The L&D Script

Welcome to Labor & Delivery, I’ll be your Nurse for the day.

Yep me, the one who’s kinda crazy thanks to a good 5 years of infertility

I have a pretty convincing “I’m a student nurse and couldn’t be happier to help you!” façade when I mutter the following lines:

Oh I see, you’re 19 and this is your 3rd? I’m sorry, that must be rough.

You already have two girls and you really wanted a boy this time but got stuck with another girl? Life isn’t fair, is it?

No, I don’t think its routine for the doctor to “tuck” up some of your “extra” tummy during your cesarean. I do know swimsuit season is right around the corner, and you’re right, it is a lousy time of year to have a baby.

You’re right, that was silly of me to think you would want to breastfeed when you can get free formula from WIC.

Yeah, kinda like house arrest I guess, it’s more an anti-theft device to make sure no one takes her from the hospital. No, I don’t know who would ever want to steal a baby.

This makes up for it though…

Yes, she really is beautiful.

I agree, you’re wife did an amazing job.

Yep, he has lots of curly hair. Nope, he’s perfectly healthy. Really, he is. I know, amazing, huh?

3 years is a long time trying to have a baby, congratulations!

You’re right, he does have your nose.

Do you want a pink or purple bow in her hair?

We’re going to give him his first bath and the birthmom wants you two in there.

Letters

While caring for my four-year-old niece for just over a week I thought more than once, “I should write a letter!” So here they are.

Build-A-Bear,
What kind of addicting, luring, kid-can’t-resist-begging, fumes do you emit from your store that makes a four-year-old physically unable to leave the mall without making a “bear”?(in her case it was a lamb) Granted I love the idea, create your own stuffed animal, but you should be called “Build-A-Bear and Then Spend Three Times as Much as the Bear Costs to Buy All the Necessary Accessories”. It may not have the same ring, but at least its honest. Oh, and do you think that we could work on a smaller “bear”. Once the said “bear” is made it must travel everywhere with us. I thought about renting a double stroller at the zoo and almost had to buy it its own seat on the airplane.

Every Single Grocery Store,
I was wondering if we could put fruits and veggies on the shelves at the check-out counter instead of candy. See, the problem is that after we have made it through the whole grocery shopping experience without too much begging on her part and caving on mine, you push us over the edge right at the end. How does a kid, who is already sick and tired of shopping, and an Aunt who is sick and tired of saying “no”, survive the “hall of candy”? So I feel that fruits and veggies would be a good replacement. I can hear it now, can I pleeeeeease have some carrot sticks?

Crayola,
Your art and craft supplies are amazing! You supplied us with countless hours of creative and fun entertainment. My refrigerator door looks like a four-year-old’s version of the Louvre.

Chuck E. Cheese,
I now understand why my parents hated you when I was young, but after watching her there I remembered why I loved you.

LA Zoo,
Why must you be built on a hill? Inevitably when we were all done and at the bottom of the hill, she wants to see baby giraffe, again, at the top of the hill.

Her parents,
You have an amazing little girl. She is bright, funny, witty, cute, sweet, and sensitive. She aims to please and adores praise and affection. You are blessed to be her parents. Thank you for sharing her with me, it was one of the best weeks. Cherish her, love her, teach her, and sent her my way more often.

God, Mother Nature, & My Body,
I want one of my own.

Our Bishop

You have to love my Relief Society president for noticing me ditch out on the Mother’s Day Brunch at church. I sat through the lesson, but when dismissed for the brunch the ladies went right and I turned left.

She confronted me and asked why I wasn’t going to go. In a few short sentences I explained that Mother’s Day really wasn’t my thing and summed up our last 4 years of trying to become parents. She asked me why I hadn’t talked to her about it before and before I could come up with something snappy about my infertility not fitting into most Sunday lessons she answered the question for me.

She told me that I should try adopting and that I would be sure to get pregnant (one of my favorites), then I would end up with two babies and be so busy I would wish for my life pre-parenthood. She also suggested I go visit Sister Soandso who has 6 children under the age of 5 and that would “cure” me from wanting kids so bad. I smiled at her, thanked her for her concern, got in my car and moped all the way home.

My husbands reaction as he drove his sniffling wife home? “I knew we shouldn’t have gone to church today.” I wanted to smack him, but he was right I should have stayed home, or so I thought.

Well dear Relief Society president obviously talked to my Bishop. He asked to meet with me the next week.

The next week rolled around and I find myself in his office. He asked if we had really been trying to have a family for 4 years. When I said yes he just look and me for a while then said, “I am so sorry, I have no idea how hard that must be.” “It must be a struggle to come to church every week and see so many young families and have everything be so family oriented.”

This guy had it going on. He was inspired.

We talked about what we’ve tried, haven’t tried, and might try. But in the end he left me with this…“As hard as those fertility treatments may be or the adoption process might get, keep pursuing parenthood.” “You and Phillip will make great parents and any child you are blessed with will be lucky to have you two as parents.”

That’s why this guy is our Bishop. Because when we have doubts about why we are not parents, thinking that there must be some reason God has not chosen us to parent, here is a man, obviously of God, counseling us otherwise.

Body Threats

One of the adventures that accompanies fertility treatments is weight gain. When I started my first IVF my doctor was rambling side effects of the treatment to me,...fatigue…mood swings…hot flashes…cramping…bla bla bla…20-30 lb weight gain… Ok he had my attention. He explained that this weight gain was due to the ridiculous amounts of hormones and steroids I would be injecting into my bottom. I like to think that he was telling me the truth but deep down I know that its probably because ice cream and baked good make way better comfort foods than veggies and lean meats. Bless his heart for letting us girls blame the meds.

I was more than willing to go along with the weight gain because there was a chance that I would have a little bundle of joy or two to show for it. Turns out I got the weight and nothing else to show for months of injecting those evil little vials into my now bigger bottom.

When we stopped the fertility treatments I had two things to fix – my crushed spirits and my bigger figure. I wasn’t sure what to do about the first, but I figured I could start on the second and lose the weight. As soon as I felt like I wasn’t going to collapse dead on the treadmill my feelings began to change.

The hatred I had toward my broken, unable to reproduce, body began to change. Everyday that I was able to exercise I was relieved that my body responded. Finally my body was doing something I wanted it to do. It was a feeling of control that I had lost a long time ago. In my screwy head I have this conversation with myself while at the gym-

Me: Well body, if you don’t want to cooperate and procreate than you can run.
My Body: I’m tired, my legs hurt, and I’m out of breath….
Me: Screw you! You’ve been in control long enough and you suck at it!

So when you see some chick running on the treadmill arguing with herself, let her be and don’t judge too harshly. That’s probably me trying take back possession of my broken, unable to reproduce, not-as-fat-as-it-used-to-be body.

These tunes seem to drown out my body's protest – a list of my favorite gym jams:
Ol’ Red, Blake Sheldon – Ticks, Brad Paisley – Firecracker, Josh Turner – Big Green Tractor, Jason Aldean – Size Matters, Joe Nichols – Country Man, Luke Bryan – Rockstar, Nickleback – Sideways, Dierks Bentley – Believers, Joe Nichols – Holler Back, Lost Trailers – Life is a Highway, Rascal Flatts – Nothin’ to Lose, Josh Turner

Starvation

Not many people understand what things are like for us who trudge through infertility. What people do understand is food. People understand what its like to be hungry. Although it is like comparing a candle to a forest fire, hopefully a concept is conveyed.

I am hungry, I want to eat. I have been hungry for the last 4 years – after 4 years you are no longer hungry, but starving.

People all around me have beautiful plates of food. They are feasting while I am starving.

I am generally grateful that my friends and family are not starving along with me, but I do envy their meals. Watching them eat, makes me more hungry.

It makes me sad when people do not realize how blessed they are that they have delicious plates of food. They complain about the meal – its so much work, I got roast beef when I wanted chicken, I wasn’t ready to eat, its expensive, its messy….

I know people try to say anything to make things better but when you are starving you don’t want to hear – “you’re young, you have plenty of time to eat”, “if you just relax you’ll find food, or those hunger pains will go away”, “just think, without food you and your husband can spend more time together”, “my friend went hungry for 12 years before she got a meal”, “at least without food you won’t get fat”….

Again I know best intentions are at heart, but don’t tell me that I will eat eventually unless you have some specific plan that gets a plate of food into my hands.

Its pretty easy, all hungry women want is acknowledgement that they are hungry and that what they are going through is hard. Hearing the “benefits” of starvation doesn’t make hunger pains better, but sometimes this does – “that really sucks, I am so sorry that you’re hungry.”

Being hungry hurts. It gnaws at your heart, I mean stomach, everyday.

To all the amazing women out there who have been given a plate a food and realize what a priceless and beautiful blessing it is, but are not ready to eat, and share that plate of food with a starving woman – you are true heroes.

I’ll eat someday and I’m sure it will be amazing. Bon Apetite to all who have their meals. Enjoy them, love them, appreciate them, imagine how hungry you would be without them.